Ode to Eleanor

Twas a bleak and dreich October

When I sat munchin' on ma Tobler

-one. I stared alone twixt curtains

torn an' faded like Tim Burtons'

Corpse Bride and others o' that ilk.

I took a sip of me warmed milk

as doon in the groonds below

in patchy shadows neath the glow

of intermittent neon street lamps

hiding throngs o' zombies, vamps

didst frolic, gamble, twixt rose and bud,

Texas holdems, 5 card stud

at least they did in ma mind's een,

which had recorded every scary scene

fae horror movies maest eclectic

(lucky I'm no epileptic)

as on and off the lights didst flicker

reminds me how we once didst bicker

Me and my most recent ex but one –

Eleanor.

Suddenly I heard a tapping,

a quiet, gentle, faded rapping,

Turned did I and looked – no more-

towards my hard oak chamber door

“Who's there?!” ah croaked, goosebumps rising.

Twas just the wind, I tried surmising.

Swiss chocolate from my fingers fell

'pon the floor (some milk as well)

As lo, didst handle start to turn!

And in ma throat my heart did burn!

Through veins as chilled as ice

Ran curdled blood - no once but twice!

As tapping at the door compounded

rapping at the pane! Dumbfounded,

Shocked and stunned, I turned in vain

to see nought beyond the window pane

save skeletal tree-like bones a-tapping

'pon the glass like fingers rapping.

Beckoning to bid me join them

and secretly my life purloin, then

into darkness fae top floor I'd leap

And wake up dead fae tortured sleep.

“Just the Birch!” I knew

“Caused by one strong gust or two.

“But what of oakwood door?”

As I spun I saw no more

Than shadowy landing through the crack

and with distinct shrivelling of sack

I gasped on chocolate milky breath

and damn near almost choked to death

as I heard a voice shriek from the black

“It's just yer maw, dye want a snack?”

A voice that sounded nothing like

fair voice of Eleanor.

“No thanks, Mamaw, I'm mid ode:

An Edgar Allan episode.”

Fae the shadows, a tut, a sigh.

“Not again, wee lad, I can't see why

you can't just let this Eleanor bird

fly the coop. Wasn't she the third

to leave you lying in the dust?

It's not all about nice bum and bust.”

“It wasn't just her bum and bust,

if to refer to those you must,

her eyes, her nose, her smile, her hair

were also well beyond compare

Whether in the Louvre or Tate

such a perfect prime portrait

I haven't seen before or since

Next to her a pound of mince,

those other girls ...

we had some whirls

upon the carousel of love

but mother now, dear god above

Quit my door, opine no more,

Get thee hence, I must implore,

you leave me to my selfish wallow

in my Eleanor-shaped hollow.

Bother me no more along this lonely path

lest you taste my bitter, thorny wrath!”

and with a creak, a squeak, no more,

she then withdrew and closed the door.

And slowly upwards roamed my stare

from handle up the oakwood door and there

my gaze could not help but linger

as I pointed shaky finger

at the blown up photograph cropped shear

between the door and ceiling near

the final precious keepsake of my dearest Eleanor.

Just space enough for bum and bust 

above my oakwood chamber door.

Bum and bust and nothing more.

At least the blu tac still is sticking -

still is sticking, still is sticking -

Eleanor's dear bum and bust above my oakwood chamber door.

© Chris Young 2018

Back to the 90s

Well, it's been an interesting week. I've still had my ear blocked – that's about ten days now. I went to the doctor yesterday and he peered inside and said my ear was full of wax and that I should continue putting in olive oil and Otex on a daily basis because it seems to be working and might solve the problem. But if not, it will make it easier for the nurse to suck it out when I get it syringed on the 5^thNovember. Matron!

In the social news – we are shitting plastic. People all over the world have had their poo studied and micro plastic has been found in most of them. So micro plastics are already in the human food chain. Via what? Must be sea fish. That must be the main one. Surely it can't be in fruit and veg or in meat from vegetarian animals, because they just eat grass and seed, right? Is there micro plastic in rain water? Can it be carried up into clouds? Is it sucked up through the roots of plant systems? Surely not. It's the sea fish – it must be. Lazy buggers drifting along with their mouths open taking any old crap that drifts inside. Some animals may dispose of the plastic better than others, in which case we should eat them.

So where do we find fish that have no plastic in them? Fish farms? River salmon? Grow our own? Some day I would like to try to go down the aquaponics route. I have a fish tank, I have a place to grow tomato plants. All I need are the tilapia, some pipes, a solar powered water pump, and to make the greenhouse into a water system. But I think I need more tanks.

Warning : May contain fish

We got a new fridge freezer today, which I'm looking forward to going home to. Not sure what else I can really get excited about it for. I expect I'll just open and close it a few times, enjoying the lack of having to bend down to get milk for the foreseeable future. Then after the first day I imagine it will become hum drum. Mundane. Just another boring old fridge freezer that takes up the whole kitchen and that we can't really afford. Appreciate your fridge freezers ladies and gentlemen! Don't take them for granted! Go out on a date once a week to keep the spark alive.

I wish we could go back to the 90s. That was the best decade for me. Before Bush, before 9/11, before Facebook. I was in my pre, during and post uni days. I drank, I studied, I read, I philosophised, I traveled, I met a variety of interesting people, I wrote, I did judo, played music, and could hear though both ears.

Maybe I should start a petition : Back to the 90s! When people weren't addicted to cell phones, trolling each other on social media, or shitting plastic.

Sign the petition here.

Cider Diaries

Day 1 – Sep 26^th 2018

Apples! Huh! What are they good for? Cider!

We had an absolute tonne of apples this year compared to last year, when I actually had to supplement the apples from our tree with those bought from the supermarket. But last autumn I was careful to return the nutrient-rich mulch to the soil under the tree instead of the compost heap. I pruned the ends of the lower branches, and took care to water and weed the earth during the hot summer that brought lots of sunshine which must have paid off. I'd also heard that if there's a clump of apples at the end of a branch you take off and discard the smaller one. I wonder if that also helped.

My wife's made apple sauce and we've given a few of the best apples to her friends. I've eaten a couple too and they've been really sweet and only a little bitter - not as bitter as granny smiths. Sort of between granny smiths and the organic ones you can get in the supermarket. If it hadn't been for my sister's partner who tried one when he came to visit I don't think I'd ever have tried them myself!

The first night we washed, crushed and pressed a bunch of apples in the rain. The bucket broke after much bashing so we need to get a stronger bucket, that's for sure. I put the juice in the demijohn using a funnel, added a sprinkle of cider yeast on the top, stuck the tape thermometer on it and placed it in the kitchen on top of the fridge where it's usually quite warm, around 20-22 degrees. It then bubbled away quite satisfactorily for a few days.

Day 2 – Sep 30^th2018

I washed, crushed and pressed another pint of apples and just added it in to the same demijohn. I also drank a few mouthfulls of the apple juice and it tasted absolutely great and I felt fine the next day. It was like that scene in The Langoliers by Stephen King when they return to the 'Just Before Present' and all the food is really fresh and delicious. Next time it might be worth making some apple juice as well as cider and sticking it in the fridge for a few days. Then my son can enjoy the fruits of his labours as long as I test it first.

One problem is the bruising when the apples fall from the tree. I can't afford netting but next year I could put down bubble wrap or something to cushion their fall and prevent them from getting mouldy.

An interesting thing I read was that the yeast, which is a kind of fungus, converts the sugar in the cider to alcohol producing Co2 as a bi-product, and it's this process which prevents the cider going off. The alcoholisation continues until either all the sugar is used up, or there is so much alcohol that the yeast itself is killed off.

Day 3 - Saturday 6^thOctober

Well, the cider in the 1 gallon demi-john seems to have calmed down a bit now, so much that I was a little concerned that I hadn't put in enough yeast. I thought that maybe it was now just really off, dead apple juice, until I took out the stopper had a wiff and immediately detected the strong smell of alcohol. It's alive - and deadly!

I don't know what day this is in terms of a timeline. Probably it's been about a week since we did the first batch and added the yeast, then a few days later added another pint or so of squeezed apple juice, and there's still another pint's worth on the tree. I wonder if I should add that in with a little more yeast and see what happens. But now it looks quite clear with a layer of crap at the bottom and hardly any gas being emitted. It's a bit sickly looking. I'd like to try sparkling cider but I don't want to risk blowing up the demi-john. It might break into two halves and become ... a semi-demi-john?

A few days later ...

No idea when it was, but I realised I'd missed a step. I was supposed to fill the demi-john to the neck with juice and after the first bout of bubbling I was meant to wipe the crusty crap off the inside of the neck, but as I hadn't filled it up enough I wasn't able to wipe the crap off the inside of the glass as it was too low. So it started sinking into the cider and floating about. I decided to syphon off the cider into two water jugs before washing out the demi-john and returning it back in with the gas release stopper and put it in a cooler area upstairs. Again, the smell of alcohol was unmistakeable.  All I need to do now is just leave it for a year or so to mature and give it a try.

Might try last year's small bottle of cider tonight and let you know how it tastes. If you don't hear from me for a while I've died. I'd like to thank you all for reading! In the case of my death I would recommend you do not follow the above steps...

Blurb

I was asked to provide a blurb for the upcoming West Lothian Writers' Anthology to accompany my two short stories, 'One Last Tale' and 'Multiversal', so I wrote this:

Chris Young - billionnaire, superhero, philanthropist - he wants to be all of these things and more. But alas he finds it easier to dream about it instead of actually doing it, so he's a writer, and not even a very good one. Join him on his haphazard journey through his own head as he encounters idiot villains*, talking animal detectivesª, quirky multi-dimensional office staffº, time travelling thugs bent on plagiarism∞, and stories that may or may not mean something†.

The best time to put a tea cosy on your head is on a cold blustery autumn morning
just after making a pot of tea

* Thick as Thieves
a The Old Mice Killer
o Multiversal
∞ One Last Tale
† Everything

Published at last

A little heartwarming news is due, I believe.

A few readers that peruse this page will remember a few weeks back I submitted an amusing tale describing inept burglars' antics while breaking and entering a gambling establishment, named "Thick As Thieves", with the desire that it might be published. I am very happy and a little surprised as I write this that it has indeed been selected, and failing any later misunderstanding might in fact be paid a princely sum with the privilege!

Said tale may well appear via paper medium in the fine place called Canada next spring in a Knucklehead capacity.

It's funny that whenever I try writing a piece with great gravity I never seem successful, yet when I merely describe a funny and slightly rude/ titillating concept, that's when things seem incrementally desired by the public.

I must regret the inexcusable writing style in this article but can explain by way that a letter key isn't utilising itself right this instant and must be circumvented using strange language. Perhaps dear reader can deduce the relevant letter key, perhaps they can't. Either way, I really must finish up this article ASAP lest said key's use suddenly appears necessary.

Thanks are due : WLW's Stephen Shirres, the writer that sent me the relevant link way back when; WLW itself - the writing club that gave great feedback as always; the readers that like my stuff; and lastly my wife, the talented Japanese artist, Miyuki, that did the drawing illustrating the amusing scene underneath.

Thick As Thieves illustrated by my wife Miyuki

More Cycle Paths in Scotland

On 28th June 2018, Scotland recorded its hottest ever temperature of 33.2 degrees celsius in Motherwell, Lanarkshire. 

One of the good things about the climate changing is that if we can expect warmer sunnier mediterranean weather in Scotland this means better days for cycling.

But according to this article, Scotland only has 1036 km of traffic-free cycle track, compared with 32,187 km in Holland. So Scotland only had 3.2% the amount of cycle paths Holland has.

Cycling, which has been hailed as one of the most efficient forms of transport, seems to be the way forward for this country and the world, if we want to continue living on this planet. These velomobile things look pretty cool too, but who's going to fork out for one of these?

By Bluevelo, CC BY-SA 3.0, https://commons.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?curid=1052954

So, it might seem to make sense that to encourage more people to cycle to destinations under 10 miles away for example, we would need a better traffic-free cycle network, the benefits of which would be many, and not just for cyclists:

• Less traffic on the roads

• Less cyclists on the roads for cars to overtake

• Healthier citizens -> less strain on NHS. According to this article a link has been found between cycling to work and cancer and heart disease. "During the course of the study, regular cycling cut the risk of death from any cause by 41%, the incidence of cancer by 45% and heart disease by 46%."

• Less risk of car accidents for cyclists -> less strain on NHS. According to this 2017 article, which has a lot of information about cycling death and injury in the UK, about 100 cyclists die each year in the UK and more than 3000 are seriously injured. There are even a few shocking stories of motorists purposefully injuring cyclists.

• Less hazardous exhaust fumes for cyclists to inhale

• Better cycling tourism -> Better for the economy.

• Better local air quality -> Better for childrens' health -> reduction in asthma.

• Less national CO2 production. According to this report, in 2016 transport became the largest contributor to national CO2 at 26%.

Two American solar cars in Canada

How much could we save?

Let's take a look at the effects of 45% less cancer and heart disease on the NHS.

According to this article, "Last year the costs of cancer diagnosis and treatment across the UK NHS, private and voluntary sector were estimated by the report at £9.4 billion. This is equivalent to an average of £30,000 per person with cancer. "

45% of £9.4 billion is £4.23 billion.  

How much will it cost? 

This blog has some useful information about costs. Sustrans and TFL estimate it to cost anywhere between £100k and £900k per km of proper cycle track. Let's say an average of £500k per km of cycle track.

Scotland has 55,000 km of roads, but not all of these would, could or should be cycle-pathed. According to this report 1% is motorway, leaving 54,450 km. Let's calculate the costs to cycle path the roads up to Holland standards.

This would result in costs on average of £500,000 x 32,000km = £16 billion.

But we could estimate that we save £4.23 billions worth of health care in cancer prevention.

This alone could pay for 4,230,000,000/500,000 = 8,460 km of cycle track.

Imagine what another 8,460km of cycle track in the central belt could achieve in terms of health, cleaner air, less congested traffic, and reduction in CO2 production.

The Dutch Solaroad

Or Poland's solar powered bike path

According to this article, "The average distance commuters ride in a single trip within Scotland is 9.4 km." which would take about 6 miles. This would take about 36 minutes by bike.

Source : https://www.transport.gov.scot/media/33814/sct01171871341.pdf

So that's it. In this blog post I've hopefully outlined why more cycle paths in Scotland would be beneficial to our health, our country's finances and our planet's climate change crisis.

What's the next step? Email our MPs, contact our local councils, sign this petition : https://www.ipetitions.com/petition/more-cycle-paths-in-scotland

Thanks for reading.

We're back! (On Google)

I'm very pleased to announce our return to the Google search engine.

On the 20th June I realised that this blog had vanished off the face of Google, while still being visible on Bing. There was a message on the Google search page saying that some results may be filtered due to the new GDPR Privacy laws, and I wondered if perhaps that was what had happened to this blog. Maybe another Chris Young (we are many) had mistakenly thought I was calling them a knucklehead. 

So I fired off a message to the team at Google using the privacy form explaining my predicament, and today received a very nice reply confirming my fears and resolving the situation forthwith. 

No apology, but you can't have everything.

Hey, have you bought my book yet? The Old Mice Killer. It's really good.